My name is KayKay

My productivity didn’t work out as planned. I need an assistant. kmt. I guess i’ll wait till my tat stops flaking, not looking too cute rite now.

I do have energy to expend and a couple more days off work, so lets hope laziness doesn’t prevail.

The past 6 years of my life has been a world wind, in so many ways i’ve matured and taken in soo much in and in other aspects i have stayed true to my 5 year old self.

I learned how to love, i learned how to share, and how to be selfless to a few that deserve to be placed first. My naivety at 17 was a joke, still to have experienced many pains and pleasures. Im still naive. I’ve barely wet my feet and my 23rd birthday is a matter of days away. I still hold on to some fantasies, but i can either wake up and make them real or leave them to stay as my dreams.

Two people, other then my family, two beautiful women have blessed my world beyond imagination. And for the changes that came with their presence in my world i will always have gratitude, regardless of what the future may dictate for the relationships (i still cherish) end up becoming. The thing about love is that once it begins it can never end only change and evolve. In one case love evolved and i found a best friend for life. and in the other like a phoenix the love was continually reborn, while im not sure whether that phoenix can live to fight another day and continue to burn the bluest light, or evolve into some new manifestation. this person will always have a fragment of my heart. fantasies were realities and i was blessed. i was blessed to truly believe. to be scared and to not give a fuck. to cry but to not run away. i grew up soo much more…i gained insight to the person i am. the person i want to be. i learned what i wanted, and gained the patience and the drive to try keep it. A skill i never had before, as before them i was lazy and selfish.

I haven’t just grown in love but in sensibility, experience and much more. I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that i am an adult, im no longer afraid to grow up, doesn’t mean i’ll loose my inner child.

For everyone that has touched me and moved me and made me better, whether you have been a positive or negative.

I LOVE YOU.

and as for you, always. ALWAYS.

Me and photobooth have been best buds the past few days…which means i must be ready to take my ‘artistic photos’…so when i get home the work begins.

kind of excited, its been a while :)

kaykay wants to play :)

I should do this with my drawings, hmmm?

had my second tat session yesterday. JESUS. i hate shading. thought i was gunna act like a bitch, but i refused to be weak. 2hrs of agony…hopefully only one more session to go. i will take a picture soon to reveal the awesomeness.

Chest is heavy and eyes swell. But your still my…

Im soon to be 23 just over 3 weeks away. Im hoping for some clarity before it rolls around.

an ocean. You can either swim to shore and find your own special paradise or drown because you were too weak to fight the current. I keep swimming, fighting the currents and obstacles, i can see my paradise but its starting to feel like an mirage. When all i want is a marriage.

I love the subtlety of an embrace when someone is comfortable with another. The gentle stroke, the glance and the welcoming smiles. It makes me warm when i see people do it, it make me miss having that crooked half smile i get when im being all warm and effectionate.

To go for round 2 of starting up locs or not…i think im just bored.

meow.

When you’re so angry but you don’t know what to do. internal conflict between your heart and your head. there’s no point even conversing your feelings as there’s no more sympathy very little concern as those strong feelings are self inflicted. for some reason you expect difference, when you didn’t really change the formula. its all mathematics there will be no variable change if you don’t change the situation. but you thought you did. you question. and wonder did you really? or are you just not willing to except the outcome. maybe there’s nothing wrong it just don’t add to what you what you want it to. Less then 4 hours of a wink and not because you were having the time of your life or because you were engrossed in enlightening conversation. but because one of the few people in the world that keep your heart pulsing just. i can’t even say. lets just leave it blank. but its all different, the switch flipped back off and now your bright positive light is dim. you wanna switch it back on, but a part of you thinks you should just keep that door closed its full of boobie traps. no pun intended. i am so confused, is it really worth it. i want it to be. but i am loosing faith.